Going through some old thumb drives that I had, I found a series of letter that I wrote to my friend Scott. I don't really know why I started this. Probably to feel like I could still talk with him. Maybe just my way of moving through all the pain. It was interesting to read through them after so long.
Dear Scott,
Dear Scott,
It has been a little over a week since you took your life.
I’m getting back to my everyday things, but it still seems sadder than things
used to be. When you did this you could not have known how much you meant to so
many people. You would have never left us if you had known how much pain we
would be in. I can’t imagine what Robbyn and the kids are going through. I
can’t imagine doing things and not having you there when the families get
together. I have been angry at the church for some reason; I can’t quite figure
that one out yet. I know that over time I will always have questions and that
most of them will not be able to be answered. My biggest question would always
be, how could you do this? Robbyn and the kids, needless to say the whole family
will have to deal with this for the rest of our lives. I never thought that you
were selfish or mean, but this was a very mean thing to do. Kristine had said
something about you and Robbyn talking about separating. If that was what
pushed you to do this, still my question would be why? Did you think we would
not be there for you? Bill and I would have been friends with you forever. I
know that Steve would have been your running partner for as long as you wanted
to run with him. Your kids would always love you and you would never have to be
alone. Bill read me the note that you had written and was left in your locker.
I never knew that you thought about death so much. It was dark and strange it
didn’t help in trying to figure out why you did this. I know that I will never
be able to figure that one out. I ran at the cemetery and talked with you
Monday. It didn’t really help much and it was a hard run. I think I’m slowing
down a lot and that is bumming me out. I wonder if I will be able to do all the
runs that I wanted to do this year and next year. I can’t believe how many of
the family wants to take up running now. I think you would be proud to know
that you have prompted them to do it.
Dear Scott, November
5, 2004
Today would have been your anniversary with Robbyn. I don’t
know what to say to her or if I even should say anything. How do I help her get
through this? It still seems strange that you are not here. I can’t believe
that we will have to go through the holidays and not have you here with us. I keep writing to you like this so that maybe
I can figure out some of my questions. I think I was mad at the church and
mainly your church leaders that were at your funeral, because I thought that if
you were as religious as you were, you should have been protected from this. I
guess I thought that the church should have helped you more to work through
what ever trouble you were having, and not let you do this. But we all have
free will and I can’t blame the church for your free will. I have been thinking
of going to church again and it feels very strange. When I took Kaitlyn trunk
or treating at the church it felt strange just to walk in. I’m so glad that
Robbyn has the wonderful support of you ward members. She is very lucky for
that. I think Chase feels guilty for getting so much help, but I think it is
wonderful. They all have a very long and hard road ahead of them. I wish I knew
better how to help them.
Dear Scott, December
15, 2004
I’m doing better with all of this, but I still miss you very
much I don’t know if I will ever stop missing you. I still can’t imagine never
seeing you again, at least not in this lifetime. The family Christmas party is
this Sunday and it will be so weird not having you there. I hope that Tara and
her family being there will help make it easier to not have you there. Brooke,
Chase and I are trying to plan a run in you honor. I know that you would hate
this but you have to remember that we need a way to heal and remember you in a
positive way. Running is something that you and I share to a certain extent and
your kids knew that running was an important part of your life. I will let you
know how it goes but I think it will be good. There are so may people that are
willing to help out when they find out it is for you. I wonder what you are
doing now. Are you running with some famous people? Have you met and talked
with your father? Have you met and talked with someone famous? I hope that you
are happy and that you finally have some peace. I never knew that things were
this bad for you and I’m sad to think that you never trusted me to help
you.
Dear Scott, December
20, 2004
We had the family Christmas party last night. It was great
fun to have the grand kids there and they are so wonderful. Your Mom and Bill talked
a lot of the night. I think it helped her a bit. It was strange to have fun and
not have you there. Robbyn and the kids seem to be doing OK. I wonder if it
will hit them after the holiday, I know they are going to have a hard time. I
still miss you a lot, I think I’m doing better and the antidepressants are
helping a bit. I still just hurt and wonder why you would do this. It is so
hard to understand. You were and are such a wonderful guy that it is still so
shocking to think that you were so desperate and sad, that you felt you were
better off not here. I hate to think how long it will be before I see you
again. I try to believe that I will see you again but sometimes it is very hard
to think about it and believe it. When Bill talks about you he says he believes
that you are here with us all the time that you were at the party watching over
us. That you are always here we just need to think about you and know that you
are in our hearts. I think that is his was of coping, not really thinking of
you as gone, just here in a different way. I will be talking with Brian
Nickelson and start getting some of the plans worked out on doing a run in your
honor. I know that you are probably not to happy about us doing it, you never
really liked attention, but we need to do it for us to help us cope with you
being gone and to help us heal. I think is will be good and we
will have a good time doing it.
Dear Scott, January
5, 2005
Well it is the New Year and I’m doing a bit better. I still
miss you very much and worry how Robbyn and the kids will do now that people
are getting back to their lives and they are stuck without you. I have been
taking antidepressants and they seem to be helping a bit. I hope that I won’t
have to be on them for too long, and I hope that they don’t have too many side
effects. So far I have not had any trouble with them and it seems to help take
the edge off of my sadness. I still wonder why you did this I think I will
always wonder that. But now I try to think about what you are doing in heaven
and who you are meeting what things are you doing? I hope that you are happy
and that you are not sad anymore. I hope that you have the joy you didn’t feel
down here. I want to believe that you are in a beautiful and peaceful place. So
many people talk about how bad it was that you took your life and that God does
not forgive this, but I don’t think that is true. God knows you are a wonderful
person and that you were not thinking in your right mind when you did this. I’m
not certain that I believe about all the kingdoms and all the Mormon stuff, I
think I just want to believe that you have your own heaven and that the people
you love and the people that you want to know come and go through your heaven.
I was wondering the other day after the horrible title wave disaster, do you
get to see all these new people that are coming into heaven. I guess as a kid I
always thought I would know everyone in heaven, but if you think about it that
would be nearly impossible there would be all the people that died before us
and all the people that are getting ready to be born. Maybe when we get to
heaven we are so much smarter it will be possible. Steve and Julie are having a
baby in July. Have you met the baby? Are you so happy for them? I know I was
very excited when Robbyn told me. I’m very happy that Steve has Julie and now a
daughter or son to be with him. I hate to think if he was alone what you death
would have done to him. Julie has said he is having a hard time with it. I want
to talk with him but don’t really know what to say.
Dear Scott January
11, 2005
Today things are better then they have been in a while. I
stopped by your grave and talked to you the other day. I know that you are not
there and I know that you are probably not hearing what I’m saying to you. But
I need to feel that somehow I can still talk to you. I went with Brooke to yoga
the other day. I was nice I had a good time with her. She is a lovely young
lady that is very sweet. I hope that she can apply herself as she starts collage
this week and find something to be passionate about that can help her discover
what a great young lady she is. She and Alex are very close and I worry that
they are getting intimate I know that you would be concerned about that too. I
don’t think that I have the right or that it is my business to ask, I just hope
that she is smart enough to know not to complicate things any more then they
already are. You have complicated their lives enough for now and I think they
need to work through all this before they start to move on. It is not my place
to say anything I just hope that I can be somewhat helpful. I think it would be
very hard on all of the family and especially Robbyn if Brooke gets caught up
in things like that.
I think we will have your race close to the anniversary of
your death. That will get everyone enough time to work through things and also
give me time to get what needs to be done taken care of. I guess I have become
the go to person for this race. I’m really not that good at it. I would much
rather be the person behind the scenes. But if this is what I need to do to get
the race going then this is the person I will be. How do you feel about this? I
know that you probably hate it. But I’m sorry it is going to get done whether
you like it or not, so you might as well accept it. I do expect you to make
sure that we have perfect weather though LOL. I want to talk with Steve but
don’t really know how to approach him. I hate to think that all we have in
common to talk about is you and in some ways you are very hard to talk about. I
think I talk about you too much to Brooke and the kids when I’m around them. I
guess talking about you makes me feel like you are still here. Or at least that
you will not be really gone if we keep talking about you and thinking about
you. I know I can never forget you, I know that you will always be in my heart
and that I will always be changed because of my friendship with you. I would
never have been a runner if it were not for you and now I identify that title
with myself very much. Wife, mother, runner, artist. That is who I am, and that
is why you will always be a part of me.
February 3, 2005
Dear Scott,
Valentines is fast approaching and I worry about Robbyn not having you here on that day. I was stopped by one of my friends at the gym last night and he was asking how I was doing, I think I’m doing better then I was, but like I told him I will always feel different, changed somehow by your death. I will always be a bit sadder and I know that I will always miss you. I know that you would not want me to be sad and that you want all of us to be happy and have good lives while we are here. I was also talking with a doll friend and had mentioned you and the way you died. She told me about a friend that’s sister committed suicide and that she had a dream where her sister came to her and told her that she had to let go and be happy because her bad thoughts were holding her back from progressing in the next life. I wonder if that is true for you, are our sad thoughts and memories holding you back from progressing in the afterlife. I know that your mom is having trouble letting go of you. I worry so much about her, but I think she has a part time job that gets her out of the house a few days a week so maybe that is helping her. I think I will stop by your house and see Robbyn and the kids tonight after I go to the gym. It has been a while and I have been wondering how she has been. I know that it must be getting harder now that all of us have gone back to our lives and she is left to try and make sense of hers. She is luck that she lives is such a great neighborhood, and I think that they are still taking care of her, but that is also why I wanted to stop by to make sure that she know I’m still thinking of her and the kids. Bill has been by a few times to help Chase with the car, but I have not been there for a few weeks. I have not stopped by your grave in a while either. I have been thinking about it though and I will try to soon. Tyler and I ran the 5K-winter training series race. It was fun but it was hard to cross the finish line and not have you there to give me a hug and tell me what a great job you though I did.
February 10, 2005
Dear Scott,
I stopped by your grave to talk with you Tuesday it still feels like you are here but I just can’t seem to get it in my head that you are really gone. Things at work for Bill are not going very well; he is getting very depressed that he will probably not get the civil service job that he put in for. I have been trying to tell him that it will be OK and that we can make it whether he goes civil service or not. But I know that deep down he is really not feeling very good about himself. I hate to see him this way and I don’t think there is anything that I can really do for him. I do love him and I hate to see him not feeling happy about things. I think you felt this too, I know that you were not real happy with the way things were going for you up at the base. And I know that you felt just like Bill that you were doing a good job and were better qualified then most of the people who got the jobs that you were trying to get. How do I help him, I wish you were here to talk with him about this and that he would have someone who could identify with him. Well I have to go I will try to write again soon.
February 11, 2005
Dear Scott,
I talked with Robbyn last night and things seem to be getting a bit better. I hope she calls me tonight and maybe we can go to the movies or dinner together. We are trying to make plans to go to Saint George together. I’m hoping that Tara, Brady and the grand kids will go with us and also Tyler. I think it would be fun for
Monday, February 28, 2005
Dear Scott,
Things have been getting worse between Bill and me. I wish you were here so that Bill would have someone to talk to, not that he would, but I think it would have helped if you were here. Bill is coming over and we are going to lunch today so I hope we can get along. You would like to know that Jake is getting married to the girl that he brought to
April 26, 2005
Dear Scott,
It has been a while since I have written to you. Things are going pretty good. I’m going to run the
Dear Scott, May
13, 2005
I wanted you to know that Bill is on his first day driving
today. I mean the real thing to be a full time UPS driver with all the benefits
that he wants. I hope that he does well; I know that he will and I hope that he
enjoys it. The one other good thing is that his boss up at HAFB gave him a
month leave without pay so if, for some reason he does not want the UPS job or
he doesn’t cut it he can go back to Hill. I somehow feel that you have had a
hand in things for us. I think that you are looking out for him and my family
and making sure that we are OK. I some how feel that you are now like our
guardian angel to my entire family. I know that it may not be true but it feels
that way to me. Lately I have been missing you more then I had in the passed. I
think that I’m doing well and then I think of things like the marathon and I
get sad that you are not here with me. I don’t really know what to say to
Robbyn any more. I’m upset for some reason that she is not wearing her wedding
ring. I’m upset that she wants to move on. I don’t think she is ready to start
dating and I know that I’m not ready for her to do it. But I think she is
moving passed and in some ways I don’t like it. I know that it’s not a good
thing to think that way and I’m sorry that I do. I think that I may go to some
counseling and see if that will help me. I’m still on the anti-depressant I
think I will be on it until June and I’m worried when they take me off it I
might have trouble so that is why I’m thinking about going to a counselor. My
questions will never be answered as to why you choose to leave us, and I will
never understand why you would do this to your kids. Did you really think they
would be better off without you?
Dear Scott, May
23, 2005
I did not do as well as I had wanted to with the marathon. I
didn’t qualify for Boston ,
but it was a beautiful day with a nice breeze at our backs. Tyler struggled but I’m very proud of him.
Steve was wonderful and I think it made Tyler
feel really good about the whole race. I wonder if he will run any more or if
this was just something he wanted to try. He tells me that he will run a
marathon in his lifetime but I don’t know when that will be. He is so busy with
all his other stuff. I’m pretty stiff, but ready to try to improve my time and
maybe even do some longer races. I still miss you and wish you were able to be
there at the race. It’s so hard to think about you being gone. I know that I
need to move passed it but I guess it is hard to move past when I just can’t
understand why you would do it. Maybe I need to have more faith in the church
or in God that all things happen for a reason. But I just can’t seem to grasp
that. I see no reason why you needed to die, and also why you needed to die so
horribly. I don’t think that God had any hand in this. But I hate to think that
evil had a plan in it either. I don’t want to think that evil was that close to
you. They say that time heals all wounds, but I have yet to feel any healing. I
know that in some ways I’m doing better. I’m not crying all the time. I don’t
talk about you all the time even though I really want to. I think I need to go
to some counseling. Not only to help with you but also to help with my
marriage. Bill and I are definitely not happy. I can’t seem to be close to him
and I don’t know why. All the things that I think are holding me back from him
are petty and small and make me feel very sallow that I don’t want to be
married to him because of them. I feel that he and the kids and I are
physically unclean and our house is definitely unclean and I feel grossed out
most of the time by him and the kids. How can a mother and wife be grossed out
by their own kids and husband?
Dear Scott June
22, 2005
I stopped by your grave last night and for the first time
had a hard time talking to you. I’m off the anti-depressants and I’m still
feeling pretty good. I don’t know why it was hard to talk to you; I think it is
because I’m upset with Robbyn and her relationship with that guy, I can’t
remember his name right now, but I’m not very happy with the whole situation. I
think that Robbyn is not really thinking to clearly right now. I hope that she
doesn’t get hurt, and I know that this is mean to say but in some ways I hope
that she does. I think my anger at the whole situation is because I’m still
very hurt over your death and to she her move on so quickly makes me very
angry. I know that I had a very idealistic view of you and you were probably
not the person I knew. I know that you and Robbyn had trouble in your marriage
and that things were not always good. I know that some of that is because of
you, I can’t blame all the troubles on Robbyn, and I know that I need to get a
more realistic view of you. Let’s face it, you took your own life, you could
not have been the happy person that I always seen.
Dear Scott, February
3, 2006
I guess it has been a while since I have written to you.
Robbyn has married Dave and life has moved into a new place that I’m still
trying to adjust to. Bill and I are selling the house and building a new one. I
think this will be a good thing in the long run but right now I’m worried about
the money and being able to do all the things we want to do. I hope that we are
not living beyond our means. I still think about you all the time. I don’t talk
too much about you though. Nick and Tyler talk about you still quite a bit. I
think they will have a hard time with your death for a long time. I have been
dealing with bad feet my thyroid being out a whack a bit. I go to a new doctor
and I hope that this will be the start of being able to keep my weight under
control and start feeling better about things in general. It hard for me
knowing how bad I feel when my thyroid medication needs to be adjusted and then
I realize that you were not taking your medications and that you were probably
feeling real bad at the time of your death. I read an article about an ultra
marathoner and her battle with depression. It made me think of you and how I wished
that I would have been closer and known more about how you were feeling, so that
maybe you would not have taken your life. This kind of thinking is not good
though, it has happened and I have no way to get you back.
I’m angry with Robbyn, I can’t stand being around her and
Dave and when we are at family thing I avoid her at all cost. Bill tells me
that you would not have wanted this and I know that he is right but I really
can’t help it. I know that I blame her for your death and that is probably not really
fair either. But I really don’t know how to deal with this or even how to get
over it. And the thing is why do I have to get over this? I don’t think I need
to be friends with her and Dave. I’m not that close with Ron and Debbie so who
says I have to be close with her.
I think of you often and hope that were you are now, you are
happy. I hope that someday I will see you again.
Dear Scott December
11, 2006
It has been a while since I have written and also been a
while since I have been to your grave. My Dad passed away 3 weeks ago, the day
we moved into our new house. It has been hard to loose him. I miss him very
much but in some ways is has been easier to loose him then to loose you. Dad
was 73 and had a long and good life. When he decided to let go of this world he
went fairly fast. The hard part now is for us here to be without him. I’m sure
he is in a much better place and happier now that he can move and see and do
all the thing that he was not able to do for so many years here on earth. I
have wondered if you have seen him. If he has given you a lecture for being so
stupid as to take your life. I will always miss you and wonder way you had to
go. Why you thought that we would be better off without you here with us. I
know that Chase and Brooke and having a difficult time with things. They are
trying their best but it is not easy for them. I don’t like Dave and Robbyn,
I’m sorry that I can’t forgive them and I don’t want to be around them or be
friends with them. I have had to concentrate on just my family and my kids and
grand kids. I hate that they are happy, I know that is wrong but I do. I think
she made your life miserable so I don’t want her to be happy.
Dear Scott March
22, 2007
Thing are going pretty well for Bill and I.
It is hard making the house payments and we will probably have to take out more
money from his retirement fund to make it through the next months let alone
Bill wants to fence the yard and put in a sprinkler system. Bill and the kids
and I stopped by your grave the other day. Bill cleaned off the bird poo that
was on your headstone. It is still difficult to think about you being gone. I
know that you are but sometimes I can get busy and not think about it so much.
I’m like that you are with my Dad now also. But when I really take time to stop and think
that I will never see you and Dad again in this life time I get very sad. I
think that I will be here for some time to come and all the things that I still
want to see and do. I think about you and Dad not being here to see and partake
of the things that I will be doing and I get very sad. With Dad I can
understand why he is not here, it is still hard. But with you I don’t even have
that; I just am so sad and angry that we don’t have you here to talk to and to
do things with. Why did you think it was a good thing to take your life? I’m
trying my best but I don’t think I will ever be over this.
Dear Scott November
2, 2010
It has been so long since I have written to you, in fact I
completely forgot about all these letters. I had time today when I had to sit
at the front lobby. When I found the document and reread all the letters it was
surprising to see them.
I ran in the cemetery on your birthday this year. I’m not
running very well anymore and it makes me sad. I will never be able to
accomplish the running goals that I had. But I will continue to run and just
try to enjoy it as much as I can. When I ran in the cemetery on your birthday I
sat and talked with you a while. You would have been 52 this year I think. It’s
amazing how time is moving on without you, and yet there are times when it
seems to have stood still and I forget that you are gone. I really try not to
think about why you took your life anymore. There are no answers for it, and I
can’t make any sense of it so I just try to remember the good times I had with
you. That is what I have to hold onto now. Bill has found a good friend in
Cliff. I’m very happy that this happened, because after he lost you I did not
think he would find another friend to hang out with. You really were his
closest friend. He really did need you! Along with me, my kids, your kids… you
name it there are so many people whose lives have been changed because you are
no longer a part of it.
We are doing better year by year, day by day. Life will
forever be changed by not having you here. But we have learned to move on, to
find happy things again. You would be amazed by my grand kids! I’m sad that you
are not here to see them and be a part of their lives, like you were for my
kids. The boys will always talk about you. They miss you and think of you
often.
November 19, 2014
Dear Scott,
Wow, finding these letters again after 4 years. So much has
changed, so much is different. In October it was the 10 year anniversary of
your death. Your kids had meet with me to do a race. I am sad to say that
nothing came of it. I wanted them to take the lead because I was in the middle
of a life changing event. I knew that I would be moving out and divorcing Bill,
and I could not put my effort into your race. I am sorry… I am so sad that I
could not honor your memory with a race, or even a small run with friends.
Brian Nickols had talked to me, so many people wanted it to happen. So many
people were asking about it. I am so deeply sorry, you deserved to be honored.
I will always remember you, that is a given, but somehow there needed to be
something to mark the passing of 10 years. My deepest regret, and sadness.
Life is changing for me faster than any other time in my
life. It is scary and at times I am overwhelmed in fear of what I am doing. I
pray for the strength to do what is right for me. Sometimes I don’t know what
that is. I am hopeful that I can figure it out. I am hopeful that I can find
the peace and happiness that I so want in my life. My kids have all been
accepting of this change, they only want Bill and me to be happy. This holiday
is going to be difficult. I tell my kids…it will be different, but that doesn’t
mean it is bad. I have not talked with Robbyn in probably almost 10 years. I
don’t hate her and I don’t wish her bad, I just don’t know what to say anymore.
Our lives are completely different, we no longer have anything in common. I am
sure she is happy and that is good.
Nickolas has left for an adventure, something I think you
would have been excited for him to do. I can’t say that I am excited about it.
He of all of my kids has been dramatically effected by your death. You were
more of a male role model to him that I think Bill was for him. It is sad to
say but I do believe it’s true. I wonder if you were here if Bill and I would
have divorced. Would he have gone and done the things he did if you were still
here to be his friend. I can’t focus on things like that, because the reality
is. You are gone. I am now 51 years old and divorced. I am terrified at what
lies ahead of me. I am hopeful that I can create a life that I love. I am
hopeful that is all I can say.
October 28, 2016
Dear Scott,
I am in a better place than I have been in years, maybe my
entire life. I don’t mind being divorced and I am creating a life I can be
happy with. There are times that I struggle, thinking why Bill did what he did,
how can he move on so easily? But I can’t think about that often. When I focus
my energy there it doesn’t help me. I need to focus all my energy on myself, my
life and my art. Those are the things that make me happy. I am in a wonderful
relationship. He treats my like a queen and even says that I am his queen. He
wants good things for me and we have a great time together. He is very different from Bill and I am so
grateful he is in my life.
Sue and I still run on Saturdays. I can’t run like I used
to, but I am working on getting stronger. I really would like to drop some
weight, because I know it would help my running ability. I guess I’ll see how
that goes.
You would be happy that I have talked to Robbyn. Our mothers
had their 90th birthday and it made it so we spent some time
together. At the end of it all she told me she missed me. I started to cry and
we hugged. It was nice to close that open wound, healing the pain that had been
there for so long.
I often wonder what life would have been like had you not
taken your life. If you could have just made it through the pain of the divorce
would you have found happiness again? Now that I am through the worst, I know
it was worth all the pain to move on. My boys talk of you often, they are
always thinking of you. Conner and Nickolas are still close. Conner looks so
much like you, it makes me smile whenever I see him.
I hope you are looking down on all of us, happy that we have
all been able to create happiness in our lives. I hope that you know, you will
never be forgotten, you will always be loved… always remembered.
1 comment:
Amazing to read and to see what you have gone through and how you have changed. I'm sure that we all have this type of change, but we don't have a record like this to see it. Love you Sis
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